My girlfriend figured out who you are.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
