Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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