be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
