My friends, they love my intelligence
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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