Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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