I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize