I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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