I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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