I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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