Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
