I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
