Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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