just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
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