He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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