WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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