I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
