it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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