Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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