I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
