She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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