So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
