You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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