Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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