TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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