clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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