My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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