you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
