im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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