I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
