is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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