Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
