do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
