we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
