i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
