watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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