omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Sext me about skeletons
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
