dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
