you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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