just come out here and I will go home with you...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
