dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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