I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
