Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
