How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
