I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
