Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
