Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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