so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
