so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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