Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
