I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
