I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
