my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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