Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
areolas are like halos for boobs.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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