like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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