I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
