girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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