just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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