why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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